::mood:: On-point

::sounds:: THROWBACK! Pearl Jam – Black

::munchies:: Sandwich drenched in A-1

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The Thanksgiving Issue

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In this Issue

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Health – Fast and Furious Rectal Hyper-Contraction

-3-          Religion – Karma, Karma Chameleon

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-1-

If you’ve read any of my blogs, you’ve probably noticed that animals and poo are recurring themes.  This issue is no different, and though this is the Thanksgiving Issue, there really won’t be any talk of the holiday, save this – Many wild turkeys have handlebar mustaches.  They probably also wear little leather vests, chain wallets, butt-kicking boots, and ride around on tiny Harley’s.  Do these kind of vermin really belong on our dining tables, year after year, with a butt full of breadcrumbs?  I think it’s time we put a stop to this madness before I have the Turkey branch of the Hells Angels kicking down my front door, in the middle of my peach cobbler.  Don’t forget – they’re called wild turkeys, which means they can kick some mean ass.  Just a word to the wise, folks.

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-2-

One of the most horrifying sites you can be greeted by in the bathroom is skid marks at the bottom of the toilet.  When Zorro leaves his mark, it’s evidence that whoever was there before you was really busting his ass.  I mean, what mutant of a man could have caused such an atrocity.  When your posterior pork buns can propel a butt-cookie with enough force to leave an imprint equivalent to a 210 HP car burning rubber on black top, the military should start considering utilizing your hindquarter artillery to fire missiles into Iraq.  So take it easy in the bathroom folks.  That’s supposed to be quiet, stinky, happy time.  Take your aggressions out elsewhere, and remember – A bad case of hemorrhoids can ruin a good prison sentence.

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-3-

First chance I get I’m converting to Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism or any other religion that believes in reincarnation, cause I’m coming back as an animal; and I don’t care, any animal.  I saw some dragonflies whizzing back and forth while I was on break one day, and I thought to myself, “These bugs don’t have a damn care in the world.”  Even ants work their damn asses off and they’re never like, “Man, I don’t feel like going to work today, I think I’ll call out sick. *Fake cough* Yeah, Bob, not feeling too good, think I caught that human (bug) that’s going around.”  Bees never get jealous.  The whole town got the same chick, but I never seen a bee come home and be like, “Queen?  Why?  How could you???  Sleep with the whole hive???”  I never heard no beaver go, “I hate this dam job”.

If I had my choice, I’d probably be a puppy.  Girls like puppies, and they usually get a lot of attention and get cuddled and “Oooh’d” and “Awwww’d”.  You don’t think those puppies aren’t like, “Hell yeah, I’m the man.”  The big ones get away with murder – humping legs and all that jazz.  If I started humping the legs of every new person that came over my house, I’m pretty sure I’d be in a lot of trouble. 

Animals mean business and there’s no question about that.  I had a pet hamster that had babies that looked like gummy bears….my hamster ended up eating most of its babies 😦 .  Likewise, a snake will kill another snake if he tries to eat his hedgehog or platypus or whatever they eat (actually, don’t snakes thrive off the misdeeds of man?  Like when Adam’s conniving girlfriend, Eve made him eat the apple?  Here’s some advice – snakes don’t have arms or legs, and slither around, even on water.  They do things like flick their tongue and try to taste you, even if you’re just having a casual conversation about how the jungle hasn’t been the same since Lion King hit Broadway and now all these little jungle creatures are coming out of the closet – Bottom line – Don’t listen to snakes if they tell you to do something).  I’d be in a lot of trouble  if I started rattling my butt and biting my friends in the neck everytime they tried to take some of my fries at the diner.

In conclusion, animals are some cool ass doods.

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Next Issue Hits Xanga Tuesday, 12/2

*Smurfing Projects

::mood:: Making my way through the fog

::sounds:: Coldplay – Greeneyes

::munchies:: DayQuil Multi-Symptom Cold/Flu Relief

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The Not-So-Big Sex Issue

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In this Issue

-1-           Technology: Spam – A Tasty Treat

-2-          Guys & Girls: Same-Sex Friendships

-3-          Entertainment: Vanity Fair

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-1-

Surfing the net or checking your e-mail is the equivalent of going to Las Vegas or NYC and being bombarded by hordes and hordes of those flyer guys.  I’ve got more SPAM than a low-income, WWII nuclear family at dinner time, but I have to admit these SPAM’ers are some pretty clever folks.  They’re pro’s who can be pretty slick and they really know how to get at your vulnerabilities.  Here are some subject lines of the SPAM I’ve gotten recently:

 

“Guys show your thanks with a larger one”

“For Christmas give her a huge one”

“Got erection?”

“Please her with more inches”

“Confidence starts in your pants”

 

HOW DO THEY KNOW???  Who told them???  I mean, not many people have seen me naked, and even those that have were merely the unwilling victims of an unfortunate, embarrassing accident that I, the judge, the 7 Walmart employees, and 11 eyewitnesses just want to put behind us.  Has my mom been posting my nudie baby pics?  What gives?  All I know is that, 3 low payments of $19.95 for the “Big Man Plump Pump” sounds like a pretty good investment to me.  If confidence starts in my pants, it also just ended there.  Damn you SPAM’ers… you shot for my heart and got me in the crotch instead.

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-2-

As astounding as it may seem, sometimes there are things that girls can learn from guys.  For instance, the seemingly mundane and at times primitive ways in which males will congregate (Bowling league, Moose/Elk Lodge, Monday Night Football, Poker Night), can serve as an example for how friends should interact.  With friends, guys like to keep it simple, fun, and non-threatening.  Girls, on the other hand, will do things like go shopping, and hate on their other friends:

 

“Hey look at this skirt”

“Oooh, that’s nice.  Jessica won’t be able to get her fat ass into that skirt if she doesn’t start watching what she eats.”

 

I was at a work meeting recently, and later went to lunch with some female co-workers.  First thing out of one of their mouths, “Can I be catty now?  Courtney put on weight and so did blah blah blah, and what about blah blah blah”  You will never hear a guy say, “Damn, John getting that fat butt… he need to watch his badoonkadoonk.”  Why are you all haters?  Where’s the love?  Guys love one another, but we just don’t verbalize it.  We have feelings but maintain our masculinity by doing things like the popular lumberjack/gangmember handshake-to-one arm hug.  How manly, yet sensitive is that?  With girls, the in-fighting can become quite severe, as evidenced by the number of attractive female friends that I have, who have mostly guy friends, and maybe 1 or 2 close girlfriends.  This occurs for two reasons:

 

1.  Guys usually have ulterior motives, and most times the whole “friend” thing is like sowing seeds.  We’re just hoping that 1 day it will grow into something more; just waiting for the right time and right circumstances.  To put it bluntly, in the words of Chris Rock, when a guy says “Can I help you with that”, he’s really saying, “Can I help you to some d!@k?”.

2.  GIRLS ARE HATERS.  You allow yourselves to become overwhelmed by jealousy.

 

Why else would you ostracize someone for being prettier than you?  Guys would never allow our insecurities to ruin a friendship.  Besides, pretty girls usually have not-as-attractive friends.  So when our handsome homies are making the play, someone has to pick up the slack, and we feeble-minded men, governed primarily by the tiny dictator in our boxer-briefs, have no shame in doing so.  So girls – love one another; because at the very least… it’s nice to have a wing-woman.

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-3-

Finally got the proofs back from the shoot.  Oddly enough, the director said that I didn’t quite nail the emotion he was hoping to capture, and the pics won’t make it to print.  Go figure.

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Next Issue Hits Xanga Wednesday, 11/26

*Karma, Karma Chameleon

*Fast and Furious Rectal Hyper-Contraction

::mood:: Up and down like a roller-coaster

::sounds:: Oasis – Wonderwall

::munchies:: Poland Spring

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The Science Issue

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In this issue

-1-          Entertainment – Cavemen celebrities         

–2–         Music Soothes The Savage Beast                   

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-1-

Like we, I’m certain that primitive peoples had their own concept of beauty.  Over millions of years things have changed such, that it’s difficult to comprehend what their perspective on beautiful people was.  So what did cavemen find attractive in cavewomen?  What exactly did Catherine Zeta Bones, and Miss-Shells Pfeiffer, and Britney Spearhead, and Alizard Milano look like?  What kind of compliments did they get?

“Damn her hair is so peasy – how does she get it that way?”

“Oh man that sloping forehead is banging!”

“She must get her eyebrows done – they’re so dang bushy and I love that!”

“That vacant-where am i-what was i doing- look is turning me on.”

“Oooh, that Vera Fang sabretooth tiger dress looks beautiful on her rough, boxy-looking body”

“I love her ‘I can kick a T-Rex’s tail bone’ bad-girl attitude”

“Mmm… is that a new fragrance… or have you never-ever showered?”

“What a beautiful 3-tooth smile, she’s got.”

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-2-

I’m a music lover like most people.  I’m sure we all have a soundtrack for our lives: songs that make us happy or melancholy; songs that remind us of love, of loves lost, of sentimental things and places; songs that inspire and invigorate us.  But my question is why?  Why do we react emotionally and physically when we hear music?  Humans, when listening to music will start jumping around, flailing their appendages like crazy with no apparent purpose.  It’s not unlike those monkeys on a leash, with their little red hats, who start to go nuts when that dood with the mustache and overall-shorts starts playing the tiny music box around his neck.  Our other senses seem to make a lot more… well, sense.  For example, visually we are attracted to things, although it’s not about being shallow.  Animals, including Homo Erectus (Latin for “Gay Boner”), learned to identify sickness or disease, and avoided humping those that exhibited those attributes.  This probably contributed in some part to our concept of beauty.  Also, animals were attracted to fruits and plants which were brightly colored and visually stimulating because they were usually pretty tasty.  They ate these, and spit/crapped out the seeds, thereby facilitating the plant’s reproduction (think how nicely watermelons grow in T-Rex crap).  So what’s up with music?  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bunch of young squirrels get together on a Friday night, wearing short skirts, way too much perfume, fur all teased up with Aqua-Net, and hooker boots on, and pay a $20 cover charge to get they groove on.  At any rate, here’s what I believe animals listen to:

Pitbulls and raccoons – Hip-Hop

Pussycats – R&B

Gargoyles (they are real) – Heavy Metal

Dinosaurs – Rock (duh)

Puppies and koala bears – Pop

Fish and turtles – Lite Hits

Penguins – Classical

Hedgehogs – Oldies

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Next Issue hits Xanga Fri 11/21

*Guys, Girls and Friends

*Vanity Fair photo shoot

::mood:: Feel like a little kid

::sounds:: Sundays – Love 

::munchies:: Quiznos – Pilgrim Sub (Tenks Kim!)

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A Curve Ball

Well, quite a lot has happened to me recently and if you confront me about it… I’ll deny everything.

I honestly have nothing to say, but for some reason feel compelled to post.  I suppose that this is more of a personal message to those close to me.  A way of acknowledging… a secret handshake… a furtive wink across a crowded room… the look of understanding…

I’m grateful for everything I’ve been through and for the folks I’ve been through it with…

Ok, enough B.S.

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Confessions:

*I hate dongs.  If I ever see one I will shoot it with a gun or at least give it a good uppercut, because they are unfriendly and unsightly and they make me feel squeamish.

*I will never buy flowers from someone on the highway.  To me that is the most cockamamie idea ever.  What are the chances that someone on the highway needs flowers?  Here’s an idea buddy… try selling containers of gasoline.

*The whole point of working is to fund fun times.  To deny fun times is to work in vain.  I will always entertain fun times even at the expense of work.

*I will not save for retirement.  I figure I can invest in adult entertainment when I retire and I should make some pretty good money that way.  Ain’t nothing wrong with a 75 year old man in a leopard skin thong.

*I killed a chicken with a BB gun.  I ate him.  Such is nature.  That was 11 years ago, in another country.  I am still haunted by his ghost.

*When I was young, I was coming home from school and had to go the bathroom really bad.  I was able to hold it until I got to my house, but by that point it had built up pretty bad.  I stood cross-legged at my front door, fumbling with my keys.  I peed myself.  Ok, fine, that was last week.

*I don’t like feet.  Everytime I see feet I wanna smash them with those “Whack-A-Mole” hammers like they have at arcades.  I saw Kill Bill and during the scene with Uma telling those crooked, jacked-up, kung-fu bruised, little sausages “Move your big toe”, I felt like stabbing myself in the neck with a hotdog.

*Cats are the devil.  I don’t like the looks on their faces.  They look at you like they know all your secrets.  Next time I see a cat, I am going to make him tell me everything he knows.  Then I will tell him, “Go to hell you demon spawn”, while holding a cross to his forehead.

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I’m like Tom Hanks in Big.  I think I was zapped into a 25 year-old’s body by the singing puppets at Chuck E. Cheese.  Speaking of cheese – nice smile dork…

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Final Thoughts – What’s so great about personality?  You don’t kiss a person’s personality.