The Important Issues Issue

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In this Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          The Urge

-3-          Love Me for the Celebrity I Am

-4-          Gym Sock It to Me

-5-          Ask Jaems

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-1-

What da drill, ladies, fellas.  Let’s go…

War, torture, crimes of war… FCC and infringing on rights… the weakening American dollar… the Da Vinci code… the upcoming presidential election… Mars exploration and the future of civilization…  I won’t be discussing any of this crap tonight, but at least I have your attention now.  Tonight’s post is gonna be silly and rather “cheap” (ha, what an old school word) to quote Xanga celeb, anna_28. 

My Xanga is in danger right now… or at least tonight’s post is.  I’ve got a new MP3 player (woohoo, check Visual_Ade soon) that I should be loading music into, and of course tons of work.  Past 2 days I’ve gotten into work at 9 and left around 9/10 only to go home and do more work on my laptop in bed, until unconsciousness overwhelms me (can you be just whelmed?)  Ok, let’s see if I can stumble my way through this one.  Be easy, folks.

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-2-

You never know when the urge is going to strike you.  So as I sat high upon the porcelain throne at work it struck me…

Someone on my floor likes to gamble in the stalls.  I’m not talking about sitting on the can with no seat cover or not checking for an ample supply of toilet paper before unleashing the dogs of war.  For some time now, I’ve been finding those scratch-off lottery tickets on the toilet paper holder.  However, today was different.  Today, instead of a scratch-off I found a dime with scratch-off residue on the edges (no I did not touch it, who knows where that thing has been or what else the gambling poo-poo pirate scratched with it).  I’m assuming he won, and in his excitement left the dime behind (I hope he remembered to wipe, or at the very least, jiggle a little).  Well, I’m happy for him because it can’t be an easy thing to have to take a dump and lose on a scratch-off day after day.  I only hope that he won at least a dime, because then he’d break even.  Come to think of it, he should have taken that dime, because now it’s his lucky dime.  Wow, I should be on CSI or something, having deduced all of this.  I’m like some kind of forensic butt scientist.

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-3-

A couple of weeks ago I was watching the Pacquiao-Marquez boxing match and intermittently the camera would fix on this beautiful Latina in the front row.  My friends informed me that it was Pacquiao’s wife, and my reaction was a bewildered, “What?!?”  This is Pacquiao on the left –

I suppose my initial reaction was rather rash and judgmental.  It’s akin to seeing a not so attractive guy with a beautiful girl and saying, “What does she see in him?” or “He’s with her?”  It made me think of high school and popularity contests; and folks who reason that someone who has attained something or someone very valuable could not have done it were they not “popular” or a “celebrity”.  Fine, understandable.  Perhaps Pacquiao wouldn’t be married to that beautiful woman.  Perhaps, Billy Bob Thorton would be living in a trailer park.  However, as I thought more about it, didn’t Pacquiao or Billy Bob have something to do with their becoming famous?  Isn’t it because of their hard work and efforts or their attributes that they are where they are.  Shouldn’t they get credit for that?  So I suppose what it all boils down to is don’t judge a book by it’s cover… or maybe this is more of a “Give things a chance before you decide” lesson… or a… ahhh, whatever, point is ain’t no sense in hating.  So play on playas, keep bangin’ and doing your thing.

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-4-

New York City streets… strip club bathrooms… diaper pails… fish markets… a bum’s boxers… the locker room at my gym.  Locker rooms often elicit fanciful visions of playful, impish, legal adult girls (can’t have no FCC shutting down my Xanga) in colorful designer underwear laughing and squirting lotion and powder on each other.  Let me assure you however, that in the men’s locker room, there is no giggling or playfulness going on.  It is a horrible, dangerous place.  Big, hairy, sweaty uninhibited beasts… bare-bottomed on the benches reading their newspapers, talking animatedly with one leg up on the bench, doing the two-handed towel butt swing-slide dry… Whenever I go in, I just try to keep my head down and eyes to the ground, for there are visual atrocities at every other angle.  One false move and it’s an eyeful of some dood looking like he got Buckwheat in a leg lock.  The worst is touching… oh cry myself to sleep in fetal position with life-long traumatic memories.  Please don’t put your hand on my shoulder or even worse, the small of my back as you try to pass by, while you are all big and hairy and naked.  I would never survive in prison, I tell you. 

Sometimes my friends ask me why I don’t shower at the gym.  Who knows what kind of funk is chillin’ on those shower floors and walls.  Yes, yes common sense dictates that you wear flip-flops in public showers but who knows what kind of critters will decide to just jump up off that floor and nest between my toes, working their way up and into my body; then before you know it, it’s like athlete’s foot and jock itch Lollapalooza all up in the heezy.

I’m not a germaphobe who won’t touch doorknobs and I’m not homophobic.  But dayam, you know what I’m saying?  Hehe, be easy =P

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-5-

Fadgst from Utah asks: I am LDS and if you dont know alot about being LDS our lifestyle it is very strict. My best friend just became Wiccan and I can see her life crumbling before her, She has started being ignorant to me because Im LDS and makes fun of the fact that I cant drink anymore and that I am now very modest and read scriptures. Its really hurtfull that she wont suport me. Would it be better to comfront her about it, or just leave it be and try to ignore it? Should I tell her that Im worried about what shes doing or let her live her own life?

Fadgst, you have been entrusted with a sacred mission and that is to rescue us from the impending eternal burning we are all doomed for.  In fact, as I type this post with bottle of Scotch in hand and crack pipe in lap, I cry knowing that it’ll not only be the death of me but… ah hell, who am I kidding, I’m not giving up crack.

On the real:

I think it’s rather unfair that your friend makes fun of your lifestyle.  As friends we need to accept each other’s differences and remember that we all have our individual beliefs, whether they be social, political, religious, philosophical, whatever.  However, inasmuch as you would like her to respect your beliefs, you too should respect hers.  It’s difficult when your lifestyles are diametrically opposed.  Of course if you can see that her lifestyle is posing a real threat to her well-being (her drug use for example), then don’t be afraid to do or say something.  One of my favorite commercials depicts a girl drowning in a lake, while her friend stands by idly watching on the dock.  It definitely leaves an impression.  At times it may be difficult to discern between having sincere concern for a friend, or just wanting to convert them to your way of thinking/living.  Oftentimes, the thing we need to do to gain proper perspective is really open ourselves up, put ourselves in their shoes, and/or just talk to them. 

You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jae1775@hotmail.com

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.05.21 03:56AM Sat