The Rolling Issue

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In This Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Show and Tell 

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-1-

Happy Monday, baby mamas and baby daddies.  Here we are at the start of a new week.  Let’s try to make it a good one.

Let’s talk about sports this weekend.  Barry Bonds hit his 700th homerun putting him in a class with Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron.  Whoopdeedoo.  Honestly, I can only stand watching baseball, when it’s highlights on Sportscenter.  Sitting through an entire game of boring commentators and guys scratching their nads isn’t my idea of entertainment.  You figure any game which requires a 7th inning stretch has got to be boring.  Even golf doesn’t have 14th hole aerobics for the spectators or bowling, 8th frame touch your toes.

Oscar De La Hoya was knocked out in the 9th round by Bernard Hopkins on Saturday in Vegas.  Honestly, who didn’t see this coming?  Rule of thumb is, the guy who’s done time in prison always wins the fight.  Prison does things to a man.  Prison can prepare you for things like no other experience can.  Prison is the only place where you go in a man, spend your time there crying like a chick, then come out bigger and badder than ever before.

Speaking of imprisonment, one of today’s articles deals with confinement.  This post is particularly noteworthy because it will be the first non-humorous post, since I started the “Issue” format.  It does incorporate some irony and sarcasm, although the tone of the piece is fairly serious.  Try not to take it too seriously, though.  It’s merely meant to make you think about things, rather than to criticize or get you riled up.

Many times I’ll write things that may seem offensive (see last issue’s “Can It Be That It Was All So Simple Then”) to some.  However, it’s merely meant to poke fun and a lot of the time I don’t even agree with the message of the article.  In fact, a close friend of mine called me out on the “Can It Be…” article.  He correctly identified that it was I, rather than my girlfriend or another girl who was complicated or complicated situations.  So props to you ryan for pointing that out.  I think I have to change my disclaimer now to something about the views presented in these articles aren’t necessarily the views of the author, LOL.

Trying something different today.  I’ll be updating throughout the day, rather than all at once.  So check back later on for more info.

Be easy.

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-2-

Birds were meant to fly, fish to swim, and dogs to run.  For thousands of years, man has found varous reasons to domesticate animals, which equates to removing animals from their natural habitat and forcing them to adapt to living conditions that suit our needs.  In ancient times man domesticated animals in order to utilize their abilities to facilitate day to day living.  In modern times, pets are a novelty, a source of amusement.  Birds were caged and fish put into fishbowls, and all for our own pleasure.  We watch them grow, observe their actions and perhaps teach them to do simple tricks for our own fleeting satisfaction.  This is done at the cost of their liberty.  Are the animals even aware of this?  Do they know any better?

Celebrities enjoy an elevated status in society, albeit at a similar price.  Living life in the public eye is described as living under a microscope.  Every move and every word spoken is scrutinized by an overly critical and fickle public.  Perhaps for every bit of adulation celebrities are showered with, there is twice as much criticism and when the masses identify something that displeases them, they can be merciless.

Chances are if you are reading this, then you have a Xanga yourself, or perhaps some other online blog where you share your ideas, feelings and personal stories and experiences with others in the online community.  In recent years that community has grown to unimaginable proportions.

My dear fishes I welcome you to your fishbowl, my dear birds, to your cage.  I wish you a pleasant stay but offer up the question, “What brought you here?”

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You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jaemsmail@yahoo.com

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-New Issue Every Monday-

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.09.07 05:04PM Tue

The Men and Women Super Issue

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In This Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Can It Be That It Was All So Simple Then

-3-          Jaems’ Tips For Living #4

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-1-

What’s happening, poodles and pitbulls?  Thanks for stopping by.  Grab a cup of coffee and make yourselves comfortable.  Let’s talk, exchange stories, and laugh at the world together.

Be easy.

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-2-

Over millions of years, men have evolved very little.  It’s a wonder that we’ve even had the gumption to come down from the trees.  Women on the other hand, not only had no problems emerging from their primitive cave dwellings, but ventured out to the local Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Ethan Allen, maxed out their caveman’s credit card, and Feng Shui’d the entire cave, adding a loft and window treatments.  The complexity of the female mind as compared to a man’s is evident in their tastes and social habits.

The fashion world is a woman’s world.  When it comes to apparel, men like to feel comfortable.  What women refer to as dressing down is a man’s ideal outfit – a T-shirt and jeans.  When women dress down or dress comfortably, the T-shirt and jeans outfit becomes a designer retro ringer graphic T, cargo drawstring turned cuff bleached denim capris, with a Louis Vuitton handbag-backpack, Prada sunglasses, Uggs boots, Couture hooded cardigan, anklet, ballcap, navel ring, studded wrist band and some kind of hair diddy.  Perhaps the most glaring distinction is in what men and women wear during weddings.  Guys wear the same tired ass tuxedo and have been forever.  Girls have wedding gowns that are as ornate and elaborate as some old palatial chandelier with more lace than a Victoria’s Secret/Playboy convention.  It was just Fashion Week in NYC but don’t be fooled.  The only reason guys were there was not for fashion but to score with hot chicks, who like fashion.

Something as simple as eating becomes an ordeal for women.  Women enjoy fine dining with multiple courses, carefully crafted environments exuding a very specific ambience and an individual utensil for each kind of food.  A 5-course meal for a guy is a burger, fries, soda, a fart, and maybe a stale fortune cookie from the pile of fast food condiment packets on that miscellaneous shelf in the fridge.

Entertainment is an area of great disparity for men and women.  Good music to a man is a hip-hop track with the same rhythmic drum machine beat looped over and over.  Girls enjoy enormous 50-piece orchestras and symphonies.  Men’s idea of a good movie is one where stuff goes boom and some girl shows her hooters for no apparent reason.  Women need a movie with intricate plots and subplots, twists and turns, ups and downs, and subtitles.  Forget “Fahrenheit 9/11”  or the “Passion”, one of the most dangerous movies out there is “A Walk to Remember”.  This movie was a ploy conceived by some terrorist group of women, with the intention of brainwashing people to have unrealistic standards of love and men.  If you really believe that a guy will cross-over from bad boy to good, win your preacher father over, abandon all his friends, build you a telescope, and propose to you all in the span of a few months, you’ve got another thing coming.

The approach women take with love and romance mirrors what is portrayed in film.  Women seek out conflict and drama in a relationship.  Things can never be just fine.  If there isn’t something wrong, women will find a way to make things wrong, reading into every minute detail.  Consider how men and women communicate, especially within the confines of a relationship.  Men are efficient with communication.  Why elaborate or exert unneeded energy, when a simple monosyllabic non-word or even a subtle hand or head gesture will do?  Girls capitalize on this intelligent male idiosyncrasy and corrupt it:

“Why are you so quiet?  Why aren’t you talking to me?  What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.  Just watching TV.”

“Oh my God, what happened?  Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing.”

“Please, you have to tell me.  I know something’s wrong.  I can feel it.”

This can continue for hours.  If finally the female resigns and temporarily accepts that nothing is wrong (which she will eventually bring up again in the future, “Tell me why you were really so quiet that day”), she’ll turn it into another issue.  Lenghty discussions on how guys need to learn how to communicate ensue.

When did “I don’t know” become an invalid response to almost any question a girl asks?  Females will push and prod until they elicit some more satisfactory answer than “I don’t know”.  Weary from a female’s incessant coercisions to provide information we just do not possess, a man will eventually resort to creating a story that will placate the paranoid female.  As a result the branding of men as liars was birthed.  We never wanted nor intended to lie.  It was quite simply the only way we could get women to shut up and let us finish watching the game.

Women have charged themselves with making life as complicated as possible.  What’s so wrong with enjoying the simple things in life?  Are women really just that bored or do we yet again have to chalk this up to a hormonal imbalance?  Forget not that in simplicity resides beauty.  Perhaps that will persuade girls to chill out for a bit.  Take life easy and you’ll be beautiful!

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*Free Food*

1.  Hide in the dumpster behind the donut shop.  They throw out the leftover donuts at the end of the day.

2.  Carry a suitcase into a hotel in the morning.  Fill the suitcase up with the free continental breakfast.

3.  Go to a fast-food place with a “Fixin’s Bar”.  Make yourself a salad on a napkin.

4.  Go to a fancy restaurant where they already have bread on the table.  Get seated, eat the bread, then storm out of the restaurant complaining that the bread was horrendous and if they can’t get the bread right, how are they supposed to get your filet mignon right.

5.  Go to a Wendy’s and ask for a side of pickles and a glass of water (this actually happened when I worked there in high school).

6.  Wear a suit and hang out at places like banquet halls and hotels.  You can sneak into wedding receptions, birthday parties, corporate seminars and events.  Even funerals and wakes have food and drinks sometimes.  Don’t feel guilty, I don’t think the dead guy will mind.

7.  Go to a supermarket with several different T-shirts.  Obtain food from the free sample person.  Change shirts and repeat.  Using a different voice each time you approach the sample person or incorporating glasses with the fake nose and mustache into your wardrobe changes will facilitate the process.

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You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jaemsmail@yahoo.com

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-New Issue Every Monday-

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.09.07 05:04PM Tue

The Men and Women Super Issue 

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~THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT~

In an effort to combat the widespread effects of the condition known
as the “Mondays”, new issues of Jaems will now be available every
Monday morning.  We hope that with your help, we can do something to
stop this deadly disease.  Won’t you please help?

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In the Next Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Can It Be That It Was All So Simple Then

-3-          Jaems’ Tips for Living #4

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-New Issue Now Every Monday

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The 99 Problems Issue

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In this Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Earth to Jaems

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-1-

What’s up Meth’s and Mary J.’s?

There’s a lot on my brain, on my back, in my heart, on my shoulders, in my soul, breaking my spirit.  I’d love to vent and complain right now, and use this as my mountaintop from which to shout… but I won’t.  I’d love to throw in the towel… but I won’t.  I’d love to take the easy way out… but I won’t.  I’d love to shrug off responsibility or blame… but I won’t.  I wish I had someone to rely on… but I don’t.  I’ve got me.  I make my own decisions and choices… and tonight I choose to just do what I do… and write.

Be easy.

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-2-

We live in an age and a society where there’s a clinical classification, a diagnosis for every disposition out there.  There are treatments, prescription drugs, homeopathic and herbal remedies for everything from being too happy to too sad.  Prescription drugs, such as Zoloft and Ritalin which are now household names, are the subject of a much heated debate.  Prescription drugs used to alter mood and disposition are now finding their way into the courts as accomplices to murder.  Would crimes committed by those on antidepressants, occurred whether or not the murderers were taking the drugs?  I think the bigger question is do we really need these types of drugs?  A humorous skit on MadTV depicted a psychologist who simply told his patients to “Stop it!”  Where am I going with this?  I suppose this introductory paragraph is merely a feeble attempt at leading you to believe this may be a worthwhile, intelligible piece, which it most definitely is not.

My name is Jaems and I have ADD.  I certainly do, and diagnosed it myself.  Life with ADD is a constant struggle, in which you become your own worst enemy.  40% of the conversations I have with people are composed of “Huh?”, “Pardon me?”, or “What was that?”  From the moment I recognized my condition, I made every effort to combat it.  It’s been an uphill battle.  In each and every conversation I strain to maintain eye contact and remain cognizant of what the other person is saying.  I was especially disappointed in myself as I was having a conversation with one particularly beautiful girl.  I was snapped back to reality as she stopped mid-sentence to ask me, “Are you listening to me?”  I had been staring straight into her eyes the entire conversation, proud that I hadn’t been distracted by my surroudnings.  However, she must have seen them glaze over as I drifted off into La-La Land.  I spend so much time in La-La Land I should get in-state tuition at La-La University.  I should be mayor of La-La Land.

You know you have a bad case of ADD when you drift on business calls.  I fell asleep during a one on one conference call at work.  I fell asleep… on a call… with another person.  One particular call, someone asked me three times if I heard them, because I kept spacing out.  I told him that we must have been on a bad connection, despite the fact that we were both on land lines.  I think the only bad connection was in my head.  My ADD is so bad I get bored of myself.  I’m sure we’ve caught ourselves forgetting what we were doing or thinking about, perhaps losing a beat while multi-tasking.  I forget what I’m thinking about even when all I’m doing is just sitting and thinking.  I’ve lost track almost every sentence during this issue.  So what was I talking about?

The worst is being asked a question when you’re zoned out.  Then you start to panic, trying to piece together what little bits of the conversation you heard, and it doesn’t make any sense because they can’t possibly be talking about driving to the bathroom in a hamburger.  I’ve grown so accustomed to my inability to maintain focus that I’ve developed preset responses to questions or statements requiring a response that I miss.  The standard is usually a “Hmmm” with a contemplative look or a stifled “Wow”.  With yes or no questions, I’ll often feign ambivalence with a “I’m not sure.  It’s hard to say.”  Hopefully the question isn’t something like “Are you hungry?” or “Do you want to make out” from some hot chick.  If I detect that the question is somewhat complex or comes with weighty consequences I’ll use the “Hmmm, I don’t know” with the thinking hard look.  Man, I can’t believe I revealed my safety responses.  If I ever use those in a conversation with you, please pardon me for I’m not well.  Hmmmm….

It’s got to be tough being on the receiving end of an inattentive conversationalist.  You’ve got to ask yourself, “Am I that boring?” or “Are my breasts that interesting?” or “What’s going on behind me?  If I turn will it jolt him back to reality, creating a potentially uncomfortable, embarrassing situation?”  I’ve had conversations with others suffering from ADD and let me tell you, those conversations get nowhere fast.

Ok, I’m not sure what I was writing about so I’m going to stop here.

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You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jaemsmail@yahoo.com

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-New Issue Every Wednesday-

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.09.07 05:04PM Tue