The Cheapie Issue

---

In This Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Do Sweat It

---

-1-

What up, rockers and rockettes?  Welps, here I am once again in desperation.  I’m looking for 2 people who are into Coldplay and are available for:

Tuesday, 9/6/05 8 p.m. Madison Square Garden Section: 224 $70.50 ea

Need to know latest by tomorrow morning.  So what do you say, folks?

By the by, I intended to post more than just a lame invite.  It’s below, but I suppose it isn’t really standard posting material either.  In fact, it’s an e-mail I sent to a friend this morning.  At any rate, it’s an opportunity for you to see that even outside of the Xanga world, I’m still weird.  I promise to try harder to unweird myself.  I admit that as of late, I’ve had no choice but to be Mr. Seriouso and no sir, I don’t like it.  But there is a time and a place for everything, and at this particular time and in this particular place/space, it is my obligation to keep my tie a little tight and my chair in upright position. 

Hope you all are staying upright and not uptight.

Be easy.

---

-2-

From: jaems <jaemsmail@gmail.com>

Reply-To: jaems <jaemsmail@gmail.com>

To: *The Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Innocent*

Date: Jun 29, 2005 11:23 AM

Subject: Re: Please leave a message at the beep

Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Trash this message | Show original

<!–
D(["mb","

Good day, Sir:

rn

 

rn

Please accept our deepest sympathies for you in your time of woe.

rn

 

rn

What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?  I wonder why I can’t just write a normal e-mail.  I suppose being weird is much for fun and entertaining.  Maybe this e-mail will be a combination of both.  Let’s give it a try.rn

rn

 

rn

Sorry to hear things haven’t been so good lately.  I hope I’m not making it any worse by saying this – as long as I’ve reknown you (last Aug/Sep), it’s seemed that you haven’t been very happy in general.  I know you always have trouble sleeping, unless I’m telling you a story or talking to you and then you go to sleep right away and I’m left as I most often am – alone with my problems.  Sike!rn

rn

 

rn

Sike is a great word I think.  It’s like, "Ha!  Got you!  Sucka!  I’m gonna git you, sucka!  Now, go on.  Git!"  I don’t like "Psych!"  That spelling is pretty gay.

rn

 

rn

Now, speaking of Psych, I think we should address your problems.  Now, just bear with me as I’m not yet fully certified and licensed to practice, but one more online course with the University of Tanzania and I’ll be able to prescribe over-the-counter medications.  So let first lay some groundwork for the sake of this discussion.  For this exercise we will assume that you have a number of problems of varying degrees, with 1 or 2 major, reoccurring, interrelated problems.  Let us draw our attention to problem #1.  We shall term problem #1, "The Pee-Pee Problem".  Why don’t we act out a little scenario:rn

rn

 

rn

"Oh lawd!  I done peed my pants!  Oh the pee-pee, oh the pee-pee!  It flows.  Mah legs is all wet, my pants is all wet, and my carpet done got peed on.  Ugh… na na na na!"

rn

 

rn

"There… I’ve cleaned up the rug and dried my legs.  I’ve put on a fresh pair of panties and parachute pants.  Everything is all better now!"

rn

 

rn”,1]
);

//–>

Please accept our deepest sympathies for you in your time of woe.

 

What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?  I wonder why I can’t just write a normal e-mail.  I suppose being weird is much more fun and entertaining.  Maybe this e-mail will be a combination of both.  Let’s give it a try.

 

Sorry to hear things haven’t been so good lately.  I hope I’m not making it any worse by saying this – as long as I’ve known you, it’s seemed that you haven’t been very happy in general.  I know you always have trouble sleeping, unless I’m telling you a story or talking to you and then you go to sleep right away and I’m left as I most often am – alone with my problems.  Sike!

 

Sike is a great word I think.  It’s like, “Ha!  Got you!  Sucka!  I’m gonna git you, sucka!  Now, go on.  Git!”  I don’t like “Psych!”  That spelling is pretty wack.

 

Now, speaking of Psych, I think we should address your problems.  Now, just bear with me as I’m not yet fully certified and licensed to practice, but one more online course with the University of Tanzania and I’ll be able to prescribe over-the-counter medications.  So let’s first lay some groundwork for the sake of this discussion.  For this exercise we will assume that you have a number of problems of varying degrees, with 1 or 2 major, reoccurring, interrelated problems.  Let us draw our attention to problem #1.  We shall term problem #1, “The Pee-Pee Problem”.  Why don’t we act out a little scenario:

 

“Oh lawd!  I done peed my pants!  Oh the pee-pee, oh the pee-pee!  It flows.  Mah legs is all wet, my pants is all wet, and my carpet done got peed on.  Ugh… na na na na!”

 

“There… I’ve cleaned up the rug and dried my legs.  I’ve put on a fresh pair of panties and parachute pants.  Everything is all better now!”

 

<!–
D(["mb","

***Bzzzztttttt***

rn

 

rn

Wrong answer!  Everything is not all better now.  The problem isn’t solved!  It hasn’t even been addressed!  It’s not a matter of what do I do with all this pee-pee everywhere, it’s why is there pee-pee everywhere.  It’s not how can I deal with all this pee-pee, it’s how can I prevent pee-pee from happening. rn

rn

 

rn

And therein lies the answer to all your problems – dehydration.  The only way to avoid embarrassing pee-pee moments is to completely dehydrate yourself.  And that means running everywhere, even when it isn’t necessary.  And always wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt under your normal clothing.  Even if it’s summer and your at the beach in a bikini, make sure you have sweatpants and a sweatshirt under that bikini.  And stay nice and sweaty.  Even if it’s from the toilet to the sink, be sure to run, and keep on jogging in place when your stationary.  Watching a movie?  Stand in the back and jog as you watch.  Standing in line at the bank?  Do some jumping jacks and stay motivated.  Repeat to yourself as you jump those jacks, "I don’t want to pee-pee my pants.  I won’t pee-pee my pants.  I control the pee-pee, it doesn’t control me.  Pee-pee won’t beat me."rn

rn

 

rn

Well, there you have it.  And I am so pleased with this e-mail, that I am going to post it on my website.

rn

 

rn

May your days be pee-free.

rn

 

rn

The king inside of me,

rn

James

 

“,1]
);

//–>

***Bzzzztttttt***

 

Wrong answer!  Everything is not all better now.  The problem isn’t solved!  It hasn’t even been addressed!  It’s not a matter of what do I do with all this pee-pee everywhere, it’s why is there pee-pee everywhere.  It’s not how can I deal with all this pee-pee, it’s how can I prevent pee-pee from happening. 

 

And therein lies the answer to all your problems – dehydration.  The only way to avoid embarrassing pee-pee moments is to completely dehydrate yourself.  And that means running everywhere, even when it isn’t necessary.  And always wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt under your normal clothing.  Even if it’s summer and you’re at the beach in a bikini, make sure you have sweatpants and a sweatshirt under that bikini.  And stay nice and sweaty.  Even if it’s from the toilet to the sink, be sure to run, and keep on jogging in place when you’re stationary.  Watching a movie?  Stand in the back and jog as you watch.  Standing in line at the bank?  Do some jumping jacks and stay motivated.  Repeat to yourself as you jump those jacks, “I don’t want to pee-pee my pants.  I won’t pee-pee my pants.  I control the pee-pee, it doesn’t control me.  Pee-pee won’t beat me.”

 

Well, there you have it.  And I am so pleased with this e-mail, that I am going to post it on my website.

 

May your days be pee-free.

 

The king inside of me,

James

The Go, Go, Go Issue

---

In This Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

---

-1-

Hey, kids and keds.  Weird, didn’t I just post?  Feels like it’s way too soon to be posting again.  But, hey you gotta do what you gotta do.  And not just that but you gotta do it when you gotta do it.  And I gotta do it.  Get it?  Got it?  Good…

Yuck, I feel rusty or something.  Maybe I’m past my prime.  Perhaps, I should have retired from Xanga a long time ago.  I love Jordan, and it almost hurt to see the decline in his level of playing towards the end of his career.  Were it anyone but Jordan, it may have detracted from the legend and tarnished his greatness.  However, I can understand how difficult it must have been for Jordan to let go of something he was so passionate about.  At any rate, I’m certainly not the Jordan of Xanga, but the point was/is: am I due for a retirement?  Well if anything, I should at least adopt a “Post every post, like it’s your last” approach.

Ok, homework assignment.  In one word or more, describe what Xanga means to you.

Xanga, my xanga, is my manual for life.  Though initially on a subconscious level, I gradually came to realize that Xanga was the perfect medium for me to capture and record my life lessons.  Part of the learning process is taking what you’ve been exposed to and regurgitating it, but in your own words, your own understanding.  So I take what I learn, and I weave it into a nonsensical story about Smurfs, or penguins, or ninjas.  Now, please don’t make the mistake of thinking that I post with the intention of teaching what I’ve learned.  It would be illogical to attempt to teach the teacher (“Now student become master!”).  That’s right, folks – I learned it by watching you! (one of these days, I’m going to have to do a “Spot all the obscure references in Jaems’ post game”)  I may have mentioned it before, but one of my favorite pastimes used to be spending hours and hours drinking coffee and just talking, preferably one on one or in a very small group.  Sometimes it could take hours and hours to break down the other person’s walls, so they could feel comfortable and secure with me and just be real about whatever.  It didn’t matter who my company was, because there’s something to be learned from everyone, a new perspective with which to see the world from.  My whole theory was, take whatever good lessons you can from these folks who’ve been gracious and trusting enough to share it with you and implement it in your own life.  The next part of the learning process – application, taking what you’ve learned and putting it into practice.  In that regard, Xanga becomes a help once more, because it’s serves as a check for me.  I post something, I gotta stick to it, right?

Ok, so that was a long, boring segment about nothing.  I’m supposed to be telling some jokes now, no?  Maybe later.  Right now, I’d just like to thank you for teaching me with your posts and your comments and I hope that I’ve been able to make you smile more times than I’ve made you feel that way you feel when someone accidentally farts in front of you and then it’s all quiet and then the smell kicks in and it gets even more quiet and there’s so much tension that your body feels like the fibers in the fabric of a Smurf’s pants (man, those are some form-fitting pants).

Be easy.

---

The Non-Issue

---

In This Issue

 

-1-           Plea Bargain

---

-1-

Hey, people.  Sorry, I know this isn’t a real post, but I promise one is coming soon.  My thought processes still occur in Xanga post format.  Yes, that’s right.  Have I ever imparted that to you?  When I sit and contemplate life, usually on the drive to work, or in the shower (yes, I sit yoga style on the floor of my shower in between lathering and rinsing, to facilitate proper penetration of the soapy suds into the dark depths of my belly button), my thoughts occur in a monlogue style, reminiscent of my Xanga posts.  So, Xanga you are still in my heart and my belly button!

Ah, yes, the purpose of my post – at this stage in my life, I have found that more than anything, I have associates, as opposed to friends.  It’s to the point, and perhaps a few of you can relate to this, where you feel that you’re surrounded by people and still, you feel you’re utterly alone.  You’re in the center of an enormous dinner party, and it appears that people are chattering with one another at obnoxious levels, but everything around you is silent except for the resounding thoughts of loneliness in your head. 

Sike!

Truthfully, I really don’t feel like I have a lot of “friends” in the strictest sense of the word and I more or less maintain a very business-like relationship with everyone, but that’s ok.  I still have Xanga to hit up, when I need that instantaneous, pseudo-friend response.  I mean, let’s be honest.  A good number of you don’t know me from Adam (West from the original Batman series), and then there are those who think they know me but have no idea (The Diary of a Mad Band).

But regardless of our level of intimacy (ooh, racy!), I still like you guys and would like to invite you to come with me to see Anna Nalick.  Howie Day’s ok, but his name is too Beaver Cleaver for my liking.  It almost sounds like a response to a question, sort of like:

 “Hey John, how was your day?”

“Well Chip, work was good, the wife and kids are swell… it was a Howie Day!”

But, then again, Mr. Day’s music can be a little moody, so I suppose it could also go:

“Hey, Billy.  Why the long face?”

“I don’t know… my fish died this morning…. drowned in the bathtub, I got hit by an old man’s scooter this afternoon and then he got off and punched me in the gut for getting in his way, and my apartment building smells like old cabbage… I guess I’m just having a Howie Day.”

Well I guess the point is at $25, you can’t go wrong (I’m paying more for lawn seating at the Coldplay concert!)

So, um, can someone come with me to the show?  How sad for me (the fact that I put up a post with no substance, not the fact that I have to resort to an online medium in search of people to socialize with).  Should I fail in eliciting any response, it will be a good life exercise for me, not unlike the “Is it ok to go to movies alone” dilemma.

---

More shows – I want to see the Sugar Water Festival and Jack Johnson… nothing better than live music… except for bootleg DVD’s and $0.25 juices.

---

-New Issues Whenever-