The Revealing Issue

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In this Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Food for Thought

-3-          Love Jones

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-1-

What’s the good word, playboys and playmates?  Well, I’m back from sabbatical.  “Back?  But you just posted on Sunday.”  Welps… dramatic silence…  that wasn’t me <cue dramatic music and camera zoom>.  Yup, after playing Xanga hookey last week, a friend and I came up with the idea of having her write for me, or rather, as me.  Since we share a similar sense of humor and I admire her work, I thought it would be fun.  So anyone pick up on the fact that I used a ghost writer, last post?  It got me thinking that I wouldn’t mind having guest writers in the future, or maybe starting another Xanga that would be a collaborative endeavor.  I suppose I still need to tighten the bolts on this one, but it’s just an idea.  Be easy, fo’ sheezy.

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-2-

What’s better than a best buddy, a platonic friend, a friend with benefits, a booty call, an escort service, a shrink, confession, or a support group?  …Food.  Who can escape Food’s enchanting spell?  Food is that first love that you never forget.  Food is an eighth-grade crush who comes into your mind suddenly when you’re standing at the altar.  Our bond with Food is so strong that no man or woman, whomever they may be, could ever break it.  Think of how we often start our relationships.  We introduce the person we’re dating to our true love… “Would you like to have dinner sometime?”  And of course, the perfect mate that Food is, Food never gets jealous.  Who do we turn to when we have problems in life, especially problems in love?  Standing in front of an open fridge, “Why did she/he leave me???  Let’s see, there’s ice cream, some left-over chicken, pickles…  I hate her/him, she/he’s ruined my life… OJ, Diet Coke… Ha!  Diet… I’m taking this tub of ice cream, and gallon of milk, and making a milkshake.”

I’ve got problems.  I know I do, because I was snacking today like an insecure chick who was told for the 3rd time this month, “Let’s just be friends”.  Oh, you know you have problems when you window shop at vending machines.  My chips got stuck in the machine at work today, and you better believe I wrestled that thing like the World Championship Belt was in there.  And I got my chips.  The other day as I was ordering a birthday basket for a friend, I actually contemplated for a moment sending myself a gift basket of cookies.  At the Barnes & Nobles cafe this evening, I was standing in line behind an attractive young woman.  I have to admit that my eyes were glued to none other than the wondrous array of baked goods in the display case, calling out to me like a crack pipe sings a seductive tune to a crack addict.  When a virile, young man’s attentions shift from honey’s to honey buns, you know something is wrong.  I don’t think I need my stomach stapled, but I’m probably one Twinkie away from rehab.

So if you’re devoting as much time to food, as clingy chicks to their man at the beginning of a new relationship, then either you’ve got some major problems in your life or you’re merely rekindling the flame with the best significant other you’ve ever and will ever have.

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-3-

I am a robot.  You are a robot.  We are all robots.  We’re all just a bunch of robots running around, driven by the same program.  We are all programmed to get some.  That’s right folks, we’re just computers pre-loaded with Windows seXP.  The men upgrade their floppy disks to hard drives and then desperately try to increase their RAM.  The women, seek out guys with a nice, big, broadband connection, so they can get they download on, and become motherboards. 

They say there isn’t one thing a person does that isn’t motivated by selfishness.  I take it one step further and say there isn’t one thing a person does that isn’t motivated by the desire to get they groove on.  Think about it – cars, money, houses, clothes, jobs, knowledge, fame… it’s all part of the master plan to get some butt.

If life is about survival of the fittest, and the proliferation of species, then obviously those with heightened copulatory ambition and drive prospered.  Over thousands of years, that trait intensified as increasingly libidinous humans procreated with each other to yield today’s human being – a machine engineered specifically to reproduce.  So get out there, and get your groove on like you were genetically designed to!  Woohoo! 

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You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jae1775@hotmail.com

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-New Issue Every Wednesday-

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.07.06 05:39PM TUE

The Unexpected Issue

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In this Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Good News/Bad News

-3-          Ask Jae Ms.

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-1-

Sup sup Mammy Grams and Pappy Smears.  Due to the harassing threats and violent attempts on my life, I’ve decided to whip up a mid-week issuette, if you will, so as to put an end to the 0 eprop degradations some have left rotting in my box.  Ok, so maybe it’s not that dramatic, but I do miss my eprops and have come up with a little something to keep you entertained til Wednesday and hopefully shoot my eprops back up, out of my shame.  And what better way to do that than to report as my female counterpart, Jae Ms., or Ms. Jae rather.  We’ve poked fun at it before, but we all know I have somewhat female tendencies and am not shy at exhibiting them on occasion.  So I’m pulling out all the stops on this one for no other reason than because I can (I’m secure like that).  Be… easy, breezy, beautiful cover girls.

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-2-

When approached with good news and bad news, statistics show that 1 out of 2 people (me being both people) would prefer the bad news first, as if the good news that follows would somehow help them forget (or at least cope with) the bad news.  But since that’s no fun, we’re going to put the ever entertaining sadistic spin on things and see what happens.

Good News: I get to write as a girl today.
Bad News: I wish I was a girl everyday (since they are God’s gift to the world and all..)
 
Good News: I’m in shape.
Bad News: Round is a shape.
 
Good News: I put on weight over the winter.
Bad News: It went to all the wrong places and none of the right ones.  My boobs size stayed the same and now I’m starving myself.
 
Good News: I’m losing weight.
Bad News: Now I’ve got stretch marks, and my boobs are getting smaller, too.
 
Good News: I am very happy and have lots of fun.
Bad News: by myself
 
Good News: I come up with my best material
Bad News: when I should be concentrating on something else (e.g meeting at work, on a hot date or during church service)
 
Good News: I think I am really funny.
Bad News: I’m the only one who thinks so.

 
Maybe the world would be a better place if we could all just accentuate the negative, find the worst in every situation, and then learn to laugh at it, because after all,  we’re still alive and it’s sure as hell better to laugh at yourself than have someone beat you to it.  Unless, of course, you can find something wrong with someone else, in which case, don’t waste any time.  Hurry up, point and laugh (you’re only making them stronger).
 
So ladies, love yourselves, however much or little there is of you to love.  Gentlemen, love the ladies (poor creatures put themselves through enough that we should care for them, even if it is out of pity).

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-3-

Smeaj from NJ asks:  I am by all means, biologically and anatomically, a man.  Over the years, however, in observing my interactions with others and my reactions to certain situations, I’ve found that I’m a bit “soft”.  I behave rather femininely when all my other guy friends are making macho.  On the converse (and I haven’t rocked my converse since Kurt Cobain was rockin’ the scene), I have this female friend who’s quite vulgar and brash who loves being just one of the guys.  I’m not gay, and I love the ladies, but should I be taking lessons from my guyish girl friend whilst convincing her to act her gender and be more feminine friendly?

To be or not to be, question, that is.  Take advantage of your gender ambiguity – feel free to take a crapper in the women’s washroom and then urge your friend to take a shot at the urinal.  Once you’ve gotten that out of your system, take a class: “How to Be a Guy in 10 Days” and ask her to teach it.  Get used to people calling you names like “limp-wristed pansy” or “hairy-backed Mary” because if they haven’t done so already, they bloody well should be.  As for her, leave her be.  You’ll need a non-judgmental friend who’ll keep you up-to-date with the FHM times and brief you in on the hi points.  I imagine it must be difficult for her to find a boyfriend since the competitiveness of men wouldn’t allow a coupling with one (a female, at that) who can belch louder and have more chest hair, but we’re not worried about her – she didn’t take the time to write.  It’s all about you.

On the real:

You’re not a bad guy just because you love to shop and pamper yourself with hair removal, proper skin treatments, and coordinating outfits and accessories.  Don’t change for anyone else except yourself.  If it’s something you feel you want, or need (see June 16) to do, then by all means, go for gold.  Change what you can, accept what you can’t.  From the sounds of it, you’re not hurting anybody.  In fact, you’re probably increasing your chances with the ladies (see Pro Bono Dating, March 24).  You will easily find true friends when you’re true to yourself.  So go out there, accept others for who they are, and tell your butch gal pal to come see me. 

You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jae1775@hotmail.com

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-New Issue Every Wednesday-

Next Issue

*Love Jones

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.06.18 12:31PM FRI

The Mis-Issue

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~THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT~

We regret to inform you that this week’s issue has been postponed.  Despite the fact that I only post once a week, I think I just need to take a break this week.  Just not in the right mindset.  We will return to our regularly scheduled programming next Wednesday.  We apologize for any inconvenience to you or your grandmama, and thank you for your understanding.

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You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jae1775@hotmail.com

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-New Issue Every Wednesday-

Next Issue

*Love Jones

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.06.18 12:31PM FRI

The Try, Try, Try Again Issue

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In this Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          We All Have Needs

-3-          A Bug’s Life

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-1-

What’s fresh to death all you old school players to new school fools?  Not that you care but…

I am not a role model.

I am not strong.

I am not decisive.

I am not consistent.

I am not smart.

I am not cool.

I am not ready.

I am not focused.

I am not where I want to be.

… but I’m working on it.  You’ve put up with me and my crap and I hope that one day I can find a way to pay you back. 

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.  Be easy, cats.

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-2-

Food, clothing, and shelter are the basic necessities.  Well, you don’t really need clothes if you live in a nudist colony.  And you don’t really need shelter if you live in a nice, temperate, precipitation-free climate.  And you don’t really need food since you can live on love as my hippie girlfriend used to say (well, I never had a hippie girlfriend, but once I got high and made out with an old lady wearing a tie-dye dress in the frozen food section of a supermarket… ok, so I never got high, but we were both cold… and jaded about life… and we were cold).

So if our essential needs consist of three basic things, then explain this to me:

I need this report right away.

I need to check out that new club.

I need some coffee before I do anything.

I need you to change.

I need you to understand.

I need to see that movie.

I need you.

I need a new handbag.

Right… I’ll tell you what you need to do:

I need this report right away.	You need to take a number, because your stupid report isn’t the only thing I’m working on.
I need to check out that new club. I need some coffee before I do anything.	You need to stop trying to get your party on and get home and get your kid on or your study on and your sleep on so you ain’t all cranky in the morning.  Not a morning person… get a night job… at the new club.
I need you to change. I need you to understand.	You need to change.  You need to stop making things all complicated, and maybe I’ll be able to understand your crazy, schizo, bi-polar @ss.
I need to see that movie.	You need to stop paying $10.25 just to see a movie in a theater with sticky, gummy floors, overpriced popcorn and soda that comes only in horse feeding size, break-your-dang-neck seating, and fool-@ss bustas who can’t keep they mouth shut and keep kicking your chair.
I need you.	You need to stop being so needy and clingy.  A little breathing room please, even my buttcrack is starting to sweat.
I need a new handbag.	Don’t even get me started… just read last week’s issue.

Let’s now compare our needs with our wants. 

I want to be a better person. (but feel like I can’t)

I want to go back to school.  (but feel like I can’t)

I want to get a job, get in shape, succeed, stop gambling, stop cheating on my girl/boy-friend, stop drinking, stop smoking, stop doing drugs…  (but feel like I can’t)

Now try replacing want with need.  Why do we need things that really don’t matter, and merely want or wish for things that can make a world of difference for us as individuals?

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-3-

Size doesn’t matter or so I’ve heard (maybe in a patronizing way, but…) and I believe that there are valuable lessons to be learned in even the most seemingly insignificant things.  There was an ant crawling on my leg the other day, and I thoughtlessly flicked him off.  He flew what must have been miles for him, hit the ground, and walked off.  I could almost picture him flying through the air like, “Whoa, whoa whoa”, hitting the ground and then picking himself up and dusting himself off thinking, “I gotta find a new route to work”.  Where can I get a bug suit?  In these dangerous times in which we live, you never know what might happen.  Even everyday dangers like getting hit by a car or bus are more than enough reason to want a bug suit.  On the same day as the ant-flicking incident, I heard a small thud on the window and turned to see a large fly who hit the glass, and subsequently buzz off in another direction.  Question – why don’t we make airplanes out of flies or bug parts or something?  Clearly these bugs have something good going on, if I can flick them with the same impact as Godzilla flicking me off the Empire State Building or they can crash into walls while flying at airplane-like speeds and they still survive. 

 

They say that roaches would be the only thing to survive a nuclear war.  With that in mind, forget the lead, I’m building a fallout shelter out of roaches, and I’m going to hide in there in my footy pajamas made out of roaches, until everything clears up.

 

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-4-

You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jae1775@hotmail.com

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-New Issue Every Wednesday-

Next Issue

*Love Jones

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.06.18 12:31PM FRI

The Introspective Issue

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In this Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Remember Me the Way I Am

-3-          Do You See What I See

-4-          Ask Jaems

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-1-

What’s good all you Hermiones and Weasleys?  It was a hot one in the tri-state area… hot like cuddling with gorillas in the Sahara on a bed of coals.  Well maybe not that hot, but I sure wish I wore a bowtie to work… just a bowtie…

Where do you draw the line when it comes to humor – religion, race, illness, personal traits, death?  Dave Chapelle did a skit about a terminally ill kid, and though it took a while, eventually comedians included jokes about 9/11 in their sets.  Just as it’s a sign of strength to possess the ability to laugh at yourself, I believe that joking about something doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re being irreverent or insensitive.  I believe that sometimes it’s about confronting your fears.

I recently asked a buddy if they were happy with their life.  Their response… “Why wouldn’t I be?  It’s the only one I’ve got.”  Be easy homies.

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-2-

As much as people strive to differentiate themselves and assert their individuality, I’ve found it an inconsistency that one of the last acts in most people’s lives is not demonstrative of their desire to be unique.  The dispatching of one’s remains is typically limited to one of two methods – burial or cremation.  How will you leave your mark? 

I’ve given some thought to the question of whether you would want people to cry at your funeral or smile and laugh in fond remembrance.  Well, you know me… I’m going out with a bang.

*I want a coffin that looks like a big totem pole, with a carving of me on top of a Pikachu and beneath Donkey Kong.  Instead of a burial, I’d like the totem pole to be planted atop a mountain on some tropical island.

*Another island theme – I want my body to be molded into surfer pose and strapped to a huge Tiki mask.  Then I’d like to be thrown into a volcano as it’s exploding so that before I’m committed to the hardened molten lava, I can surf down the side of the volcano.

*I’d like to have my body bronzed and adorned in Gladiator attire.  Maybe over the course of time I’d end up at some garage sale somewhere, and eventually in the den of some old chick’s house.  She’d claim that I was an actual prop from the Asian version of Troy.

*I’d like to be preserved in a big vat of formaldehyde.  I want the vat to be decorated like an underwater kingdom and I want to be wearing a merman costume complete with that triple pitchfork-looking thing.  Only difficulty would be that I would have to know a few months in advance that I was going to die.  That way I could spend the last few months training and getting diesel because I don’t want to be no beat-ass merman.

*I’d like to be put into some kind of space pod and flung into outerspace.  Maybe eventually some aliens would find me and bring me back to life.  Hopefully, they’re some hot space babes from Venus who need a new dood to help them repopulate their planet.

We don’t know how much time we have.  Who knows how it will even happen?  I’m not looking forward to getting shot, stabbed or knuckled down, but rather I am hoping that one night I’ll just pass peacefully in my sleep.  That’s probably pretty unlikely, so at least I hope I go in a blaze of glory, saving puppies from a burning pet store or something.  My only wish before I go is that everyone I care about, knows exactly how much I care about them.  Well, I suppose I better end here, because it looks I have some phone calls to make.

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-3-

We all have a concept of who we are.

 

On a good day I feel like this:

 

 

On not so good days I feel like this:

 

 

When I’ve got jokes I feel like these guys:

 

 

When the jokes aren’t on point I feel like this:

 

 

When the gears are turning I feel like this guy:

 

 

And when I can’t seem to find the words or collect my thoughts:

 

 

The trick is getting people to see you how you see yourself at your best.  That’s the great thing about love.  When someone loves you they see you as Brad, Jim, Chris or Albus, even on your worst days.  For the ladies, if ever there were times that I didn’t make you feel like:

 

 

…know that I felt it inside.

 

Folks, love yourselves and people will always see you as you see yourself at your best.

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-4-

CheerfulNegro from NY asks: if theres a friend that you’re starting to like intensely…. and every moment you trip over yourself just to avoid blowing your cover…. what would you do? Do you think saying how you feel will make it worse? I’ve seen my friends do it and it hasn’t exactly had a hollywood ending… I was just wondering because this is really starting to bother me.. and girls say that they can’t tell whether guys like them or not… I don’t think girls can tell when guys like them either…. why do we all make it complicated? I know its a repetitive question which uve heard 1000 times.. but I’m really confused… 

CNNy, first off props for your name.  Stay up and keep it all good in your hood.  Secondly, never, ever forget the rule.  Friendship is a foot in the door.  Sure, folks will tell you that once you’re in the friend zone, there’s no getting out.  But think about it… what better way to snag a chick than when she’s all comfortable with you and let her guard down?  That’s when you start acting all sensitive and crap and she falls in love with who you are inside or something like that.

On the real:

Communication is key, but timing is everything.  Too early and you nose dive, too late and you miss an opportunity.  So how do you know when?  I think first you have to be comfortable with yourself, confident in yourself… trust yourself.  If something in your gut is telling you she’s dropping hints, she probably is.  If you both really enjoy just being together, whether in a group or by yourselves, maybe there’s the potential to take it to the next level.  However, I think the best indicator is in her eyes and her smile.  Take a look.  When you see that sincere, cheesy kinda smile and that genuine look in her eyes, you know you’ve got her heart. 

You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jae1775@hotmail.com

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-New Issue Every Wednesday-

Next Issue

*We All Have Needs

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.06.13 10:56PM SUN

The Back-Up Issue

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In this Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Can’t Buy Me Love

-3-          Mind Your Poo’s and Cues

-4-          Ask Jaems

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-1-

What’s crack-a-lackin’ all you friendly neighborhood spidermen and catwomen?  Hope all is well with you.  As discussed with a pal over burgers and shakes – it’s time to make moves.  Life… make it happen, folks.  Be easy. =)

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-2-

Women the world over attest to the horrible allegation that all men have only one thing on their minds.  My indignant, female friends, I find it my moral obligation to respond to this slanderous accusation against men… you are completely and utterly correct.  However, I believe it only just that I point out that one of the primary objectives of each and every female is to get into a guy’s pants.  Why?  Because that’s where he keeps his wallet.

Here’s a snippet of a conversation a few friends had this past weekend:

*After shopping trip

Lady: Did you go to the Zales, they have some great sales there.

Girlfriend, hitting boyfriend on the arm: You didn’t tell me there was a Zales there.

Boyfriend with bewildered look on his face: I didn’t see it.

Girlfriend: Yeah, right.

Boyfriend:  I didn’t see it.

An interesting natural defense mechanism has evolved among males of the human species – the inability to physically see jewelry stores at times other than birthdays and holidays mandating the purchase of jewelry.

On the other hand, females’ affinity for jewelry, clothing, shoes, accessories, etc. is something that has developed along with modern civilization.  It has been socially ingrained into females, driven solely by the male plan to exert mastery over his sexy counterparts (clearly this plan has come back to bite us in the ass).  Plagued by overwhelming feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and the desire to appease the dominating male, females adorned themselves with fancy garments and decorations.

  Women do not objectify yourselves.  Let’s take a look at the precious designer handbags which you so adore – Louis Vuitton (clearly a man), Gucci (dude), Coach (will you allow the Coach to dictate what you wear?  Some dude who was inspired by a baseball glove?), Fendi (started by a couple in the 20’s , and we all know who wore the pants in the family during that era), Kate Spade [well, obviously she’s a flannel wearing, butch kinda chick (great, now I’ve alienated lesbians from my xanga… don’t go ladies, please, I think about you all the time, really I do 😉 … oh, great now I’ve alienated all females… now it’s just us fellas, woohoo, sausage party =/)]… Here’s a pic of Kate’s brother:

These handbag designers were merely proponents of the movement to suppress females.  The point is, ladies – you don’t need materialistic symbols of bondage to accentuate your true beauty.  The truth of the matter is they simply detract from that natural allure you all possess.  Who needs diamonds, when the sparkle in your eyes is so much more brilliant?  Why wear a necklace or handbag that obscures the slender, exquisite lines of your perfectly formed neck and shoulders?  Why burden your delicate hands with rings and bracelets that bear semblance to shackles?  Hell, principle alone, is reason enough for you to simply walk around naked.  Ladies, love yourselves for who you are, the same as we men love you, and for goodness sake, have mercy on our credit cards 😉

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-3-

Guy: I’m gonna go take a crap

Girl: Ewww, that’s so disgusting.  That’s so gross.

*Guy embarrassed

Has this ever happened to you?  Do you want to avoid embarrassing situations and improve your etiquette?  Here are some courteous ways to communicate that you’re going to drop a deuce bigalow –

I’m going to…

*lay some chocolate eggs

*drive the Batmobile

*build the dirty snowman

*bake chocolate cupcakes

*set the Black Stallions free

*go on an adventure with my Hardy Boys

*make chocolate Easter bunnies

*play with Play-Doh

*surf the Black Sea

*roll some meatballs

*visit the tarpits

*watch King Kong fall off the building

*let the cows come home

*send out my ninjas

*unleash the dogs of war

*watch penguins skydive

*carve a totem pole

*put my sculptures on exhibit

*put pudding in a bowl

*build a log dam

*join the Running of the Bulls

*make a new petrified forest

*give lumps of coal for Christmas

*send the gladiators into the arena

*open a Tootsie Roll factory

*make some man-made islands

*squeeze out some bad ideas

Good luck and have fun with these, troopers!

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-4-

TruAngel0304 from NY asks: So I have a question that has been haunting poor little junior school girls for years – How do you know when a guy is into you?  Are guys as open about it with their friends as girls are? R they really as thick-headed and oblivious as we all believe or can they tell when girls dig them? If they’re cool with all your friends but are kinda nervous and distant with you, do they want you or do they wanna get away from you? My head hurts. It’s all very confusing. Please help.

TruAngel, it’s quite simple.  You know he likes you when he has a goofy smile on his face whenever he talks to you.  You know he loves you when he farts in front of you and doesn’t feel embarrassed.

On the real:

Believe me this is an issue that has beleaguered both men and women of all ages for eternity.  There really aren’t any “sure” signs, mainly because everyone is different.  Some will pay extra attention to you, some will ignore you, seem indifferent, aloof, or even antagonistic.  However, you will know when there is something there between you… you’ll feel it.  Sometimes it takes a while for that to occur and it may take several exposures before you can correctly identify it… but when it happens, you’ll just know =)

You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jae1775@hotmail.com

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-New Issue Every Wednesday-

Next Issue

*Remember Me the Way I Am

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Edit – Current News Updated (see side module):
2004.05.21 03:56AM Sat