::mood:: Dream-state

::sounds:: Ivy – Let’s go to bed (Cure cover)

::munchies:: Pizza-licious Pringles

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Ruffle My Butt Feathers

I freakin’ blog about poo all the time (here and here).  Maybe I’m stuck in that Freudian anal stage (I do enjoy a good refreshing dump, complete with straining facial expressions, and double-fisted pounding of the thigh region).  So I was utterly disgusted a few days ago, when I proceeded to enter a stall at work, and discovered the fossilized remains of someone’s cafeteria lunch, floating around like well-done rubber duckies in the toilet…. and no evidence of wiping.  What foul, wretched, butt-encrusted soul is working in my office building and

A.  Not flushing, and

B.  Not wiping

Dirty mongrel has probably developed butt bacon from this unholy act of ass damnation.

So fast forward to today… As I make my way to one of the urinals, I happen to notice that 2 stalls are occupied by some grunting, back blow-hole pushing doods.  No biggie.  Until 1 opens the door, briefly runs his hand under some water (no soap?!?) and exits the BR.  NO FLUSH!  Dumpy, disheveled, smelly-looking older gentleman who I have conversed and shook hands with.

The moral of this story – You never know who still has fresh crap in their crack

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I’m slightly nervous at work right now because they installed new security software on the network…

Are they watching me?  Can they see me updating my Xanga?  Do they know that I IM friends at their places of work with “PENIS” in the biggest, boldest font possible?

Maybe I shouldn’t care… I had a coworker call the helpdesk because she couldn’t access her personal e-mail account at work… WTH?!?  That’s like me calling security because I was having trouble putting the company copy machine into the back of an unmarked van.

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I had 2 blueberry yogurts and 2 8oz skim milks for lunch.  Saw Fight Club again on Sunday, and my goal is to have a six-pack by Friday.  If that fails maybe I’ll opt for a six-pack of fruit punch  .

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 <— Click here for a pretty frickin’ funny video; may take a little while to load but worth it.  I also suggest selecting the “Download Video” option.

You can login with:

Member Name: xangaguest  Password: guest

However, I do suggest signing up for your own personal account, as it’s free and a good place to post pics and videos.

::mood:: Need to make pee-pee bad

::sounds:: Moving Guys – wheeling crap all over the office

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A Million and One Adventures

Life at the moment for me is like those coming of age movies, which have an older, wistful narrator who walks the audience through the events of childhood… hanging with the boys, running around getting in trouble and eventually maturing, separating ways, and pursuing life as an adult.

During those days with the gang, it was as though the summers were endless.  Building secret clubhouses, exploring our own backyard jungles, messing with the bigger kids and then running for our lives, climbing trees, burying personal little treasures… and as the years passed, despite our best efforts to cling to childhood, to keep the gang together, to exploit our new freedoms (which really wasn’t freedom at all, it was just a matter of trading one set of restrictions for another), we began to drift apart… like paper sailboats in a lake, catching different currents.

It is possible to freeze and manipulate time, we just haven’t been able to master it yet.

“Omg, how long does it take them to make our food.  I’m starving”

“That trip was so awesome.  I can’t believe it went by so quickly.”

“I can’t wait till I’m 17 and I can get a license and I can go wherever I want”

“Only 106 more credits till I graduate from college.  Great.”

“What?!? I’m an adult now?  When did I stop being a kid?”

“Just 5 more minutes… I don’t feel like getting out of bed yet.. It’s too cold.”

“I’m dying?  I’m not ready to die yet, I still have so much I want to do.”

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If you ask me, life is overly complicated.  What’s wrong with living in a hut, waking up whenever the hell you want to (killing the rooster with your spear if necessary), eating berries from a bush, covering your buttcrack with a leaf, making out with monkeys and running with giraffes and zebras on a dusty plain?  Why do I need:

* a GSM tri-band cellphone (do i really need to talk to someone on the other side of the world? what do I care what someone outside of my village is doing)

*white-almond-mocha-grande-latte with non-fat skim milk (what happened to water?)

 *a 42″ liquid plasma, high definition ultra realistic tv (maybe i should just go outside for a more realistic picture)

*a P4 3.2 ultra-mobile 4lb laptop with wireless internet (if i really need to chat with someone, maybe i should just walk to their hut, 3 coconut trees down from mine… or maybe i’ll just throw a coconut at the side of their hut)

*3 branches of government (do we really need to pay people to make decisions for us; how about a tribal meeting and we just decide to roast a pig and no one is allowed to kill anyone else, so make sure we cook enough pig so no one gets pissed off about getting a small piece of snout)

*a diagnosis for every “abnormality” or condition (how about we just say that there is no ADD, no bi-polar, no whatever and just say that everyone is just different…. period…. do we really need to have a clinical diagnosis as an excuse for just being ourselves)

*a diet (if you’re hungry… eat… if you don’t… then, well… you die… but just make sure you eat stuff that’s food, not like rocks or trees or Spam straight out of the can)

*vegans (hey… newsflash… animals eat animals… it’s nature… so get a grip… i don’t see you guys all getting pissed off at that damn white tiger who took a chunk out of Roy for being annoying and wearing flamboyant outfits…  i’m pretty sure i’d bite someone in the neck for wearing gay intergalactic tuxedos and making me do party tricks) 

So will I get rid of all my unnecessary, materialistic consumer goods?  Hell no… But would I be mad if we all went back to living in trees and throwing mud at each other, breaking our teeth on coconuts, and stepping in each others’ and big ol’ elephant crap?  Hell yeah, it’s cold and dirty out there and ain’t no internet connection out in the jungle.  How am I supposed to update my Xanga and download episodes of Smallville?

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 -bye Tracy-

::mood:: Unusually complacent

::sounds:: Michelle Branch – Empty Handed

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In A Funk

…news, news and more news…  but before I crawl down the hatch into my underground, 6″ lead-plated nuclear fall-out sheltar, complete with a 10 year supply of canned corned beef, vienna sausages and banana ketchup…

Caught Michelle Branch at the Hammerstein Ballroom last night wid 66, Karina, and Sham .  She put on an enjoyable show, however there were a few unsettling moments such as the mid-show arrival of the suspicious, aloof, distracted 5’10, medium build, brown-haired, bespectacled 40-something year-old man garbed in a dirty “Walker” (stalker?) #8 B-ball jersey, capri shorts, clogs and with duffel bag  in hand .  This leery gentleman spent more time shooting piercing glares at various audience members, and shifting uneasily the seemingly burdensome weight in hand, than actually watching the show.  I nonchalantly positioned the girls behind myself and Sham, and furtively communicated to the latter that should anything happen, he should go for the hands, whilst I would make a, hopefully, incapacitating move for the head.  After a few songs in a tangibly tense atmosphere within a 10 ft radius of this scoundrel, he inexplicably drifted off towards the back of the crowd, not to be seen again.  And it was much to many a relief, as was disclosed by a number of us within vicinity of the “Unabomber” (who knows what was in that bag).  Good show, with equally good humorous anecdotes at the watering-hole afterwards.  Tenks guys  

-=pics to follow courtesy of Karina=-

*currently*at the office with a lumpy, moist ginger-bread cookie on my desk… it’s looks like i have a piece of crap on my desk and that ain’t cool…

“Good afternoon, Mr. Jaems.  Would you care for a glass of milk with your piece of poo?  Perhaps you would prefer a hot cup of coffee?  I could heat up your poo in the microwave so you don’t have to chomp it cold…”