The Ain’t No Stopping Us Now Issue

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In This Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Fight or Flight

-3-          You’ve Got the Cutest Little Baby Phase

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-1-

What’s good, pinks and blues.  Ok, I missed last week because I was traveling and didn’t get back until late Monday night and for whatever reason I didn’t want to have a non-Monday post.  Welps, although a week late, I want to thank my pals up North for being so hospitable as they always are.  Ahh, Canada – it’s a nice place to visit…. and a nice place to live!

Yes, sir, I wouldn’t mind moving up there.  It’s almost like living in the U.S. with a few minor differences.  In Canada, all the stores and restaurants are very reminiscent of stores and restaurants in the U.S., but not quite the stores and restaurants of the U.S.  They’ve got Esso gas instead of Exxon, Chapters instead of Borders or Barnes & Noble, and Tim Hortons instead of Dunkin’ Donuts (I concede, Tim Hortons kills D&D).  In Toronto, there’s an area that reminds me of Greenwich Village in NYC, except that it’s much, much smaller and people actually get along.  I’ve never seen such an eclectic bunch of people in such a small space (only a few blocks) that actually seem to get along quite nicely.  I mean watching a Harley-Davidson looking guy and Latin guy playing soccer in the street of a busy shopping district, while a Rasta dude cheered them on was a pretty unusual sight to me.  I don’t know, maybe I’m just enamored with Canada right now because I haven’t spent enough time there; not unlike the stellar first few dates you have with someone, only to find out about their annoying habits later on.  Canada is like diet U.S. – same great taste, half the calories.  People seem to be a little more laid back there, and there doesn’t appear to be a lot of crime.  The only incident worth mentioning was when a sasquatch came out of the forest and tried to take my snacks, but that was quickly taken care of as I instinctively ninja-punched him in the sascrotch.

In other news, a few friends and I were driving last night when Lenny Kravitz’ “Heaven Help” came on my cd player:

Me: Dang, this song makes me want to fall in love.  When I hear this song, a video montage starts playing in my head.  Like it’s me and some unknown chick walking in the park and I buy her a hotdog and a soda and then she accidentally squirts ketchup all over me and we start laughing.  Then we’re running in the grass and fall in a bed of flowers and she starts rubbing a flower on my nose and I sneeze and we start laughing.  Then we’re at her apartment just chillin’ in our sweats and she’s tossing grapes into my mouth and one bounces off my nose and we start laughing.  Then we’re driving on the highway in a convertible, beautiful weather, wind blowing in our hair, smiling all cheesy.

<breakdown in the song hits>

Me: Oh, this is the part where we get into an argument.  Then I’m in a coffee shop trying to read and I can’t concentrate because I keep thinking about her.  Then it cuts to her at her office and a problem at work arises which gets her all flustered, but she realizes what’s really bothering her is that she can’t stop thinking about me.  Then it cuts to us in our apartments, both staring at the phone wanting to call each other, and we even pick up the phone and start dialing, but then just throw the phone down on the bed and walk away frustrated.  Then I’m at the coffee shop and she walks in and I don’t see her and she doesn’t see me and I leave.

<song ends>

Friend: And that’s how it ends, you don’t get back together?

Other friend: You gotta wait for the next song for the continuation.

Me: Yeah, that’s how he sells albums.

Later on…

Me: Yo, I gotta get a girlfriend, man.

Friend: Yo, chill with that.  You got too much to do right now, you gotta stay focused, Jaems.

Me:  Yeah, I know.  I just feel like girls are a distraction right now.

*<greenday> …I walk alone, I walk alone </dramatic music>

I remember back in college, there were some students who were so focused on academics that they would simply decide that they didn’t have time for a relationship.  I could never understand such a stance until now.  I’ve got so many things going on right now which are very, very important to me and truth be told, if I did have the opportunity to be in a relationship (which I don’t, so I don’t know why I’m complaining), I probably wouldn’t be able to dedicate as much of myself to it as I should.  So thanks to my good friend for pointing that out to me and holding me down.  I am so focused right now and I can’t be stopped.

One last bit of rambling on my part (hopefully, you just skipped over this editorial and went straight to the articles).  I pull up behind a guy at the sandwich counter in our cafeteria today.  A woman comes from the side and stands at the counter beside the guy in front of me.  Another woman comes from behind me and stands in between the woman already there and the guy in front of me and the two women start talking.  Guy gets his sandwich, deli guy asks for the next order and I order.  One of the women says, “Excuse me but we’re standing here, too.”  My reply?  “I’m sorry, I thought you pulled up after me.”  After I left, I felt somewhat indignant, thinking “She cuts me and then has the nerve to say something when I take my rightful turn ordering.  She probably doesn’t even realize she cut me, oblivious to the world around her and then expecting concessions because of it.”  In situations such as this, what is the best way to handle it?  Should one graciously take the blame upon him/herself to avoid both parties being embarrassed?  Should one point out the other’s error?  Should one start flinging slices of ham onto the other party’s face?

Well, it was a trivial thing and I just tried to shrug it off, because you know how we do:

Be easy.

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Articles later tonight!

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You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jaemsmail@yahoo.com

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-New Issue Every Monday-

The Funk and Wagnalls Issue

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In This Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Life – All You Can Eat

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-1-

What is up, yankees and confederates?  I’m posting on-location in Alpharetta, Georgia, about 20 minutes outside of Atlanta.  Isn’t that ludacris!  Ha, that sucks, but I had to do it.  It sucks, but you have to do it.  I’m finding that that statement is a lot more relevant to my life these days, than it’s ever been.  I’m still not completely comfortable with this whole being an adult and having responsibilities thing.  It’s like, you become older and steadily, things become less and less about you and more about other people.  And things like crying, whining, throwing tantrums and crapping your pants become ineffective forms of drawing attention back to where it belongs – yourself.  Trust me, I’ve ruined my fair share of britches testing that out.  As you get older, more and more people become dependent on you, most especially these little people who insist on calling you Daddy when you’re at the mall trying to talk to hot college chicks.  Kidding, I don’t have any kids that I’m aware of.  Still kidding, folks – loosen up a bit.  Many times we don’t realize what kind of impact our actions have on others, especially on children (even if they aren’t our own).  I’m certain we recognize that we have a relationship, an interdependency, an effect on the people we work with, our families, and friends but we should recognize that it often extends beyond that.  People all over the world are interconnected in ways that we sometimes can’t even fathom.  Take your Xangas for instance – who knows who reads your posts.  You may see comments from that same group of friends consistently, but who else has stumbled across your post and how have they been affected by it?  Or how much have your friends been affected by your words, beyond what they’ve commented. 

Consider this chain of events:  Customers of a company pull out dissatisfied, president of the company comes down on managers, managers come down on employees, employees go home and come down on wives, wives come down on kids, kids kick the dog, dog bites the cat, cat eats a mouse.

Now I know that’s a rather simplistic example, and hierarchical, and I’m rambling but what I wanted to illustrate is that our actions, including those we perceive as trivial, can have an extensive and enduring impact.  I remember points in my childhood where I know my life literally took a turn, for better or for worse, because of the things that people said or did.  I am very grateful for the people who have changed my life for the better and in many instances they may not have even realized that they did.

Ok, let’s see if I can wrangle all of this back in to a point.  I am almost completely overwhelmed by all the responsibilities and obligations I have presently.  I sometimes feel stressed because of my present role and place in life.  But I will strive to do the things that I have to do, and I will strive to do it right.  In the end, I hope that things I have done, although trivial in the eyes of some, will have been of some value, some help, some good to someone out there who needed it at that very instant.  The customer praised the company, the president applauded the managers, the managers rewarded the employees, the employees brought flowers and chocolates home to their wives and told them they loved them, the wives hugged and kissed the children, the children played in the yard with the dog, the dog playfully chased the cat, the cat looked at the mouse and turned back to it’s catfood, the mouse went home and took care of it’s mousy babies.

Be easy.

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-2-

I sometimes find myself in a state of boredom and I feel foolish for it.  How can anyone ever be bored, I wonder.  Life is a buffet.

Growing up I can remember wanting to be everything I ever watched a movie about.  A karate kid, a ninja, a cop, a soldier, a scientist, a lawyer, a Batman, a Superman, a King Kong… the list goes on and on.  I’ve had so many “2-week” hobbies that I should go into hobby rehab.  I can’t stick to one thing for very long without coming across something else that catches my interest and distracts me.

So many unread books, unfinished projects, unfinished songs, poems, Xanga posts, so many trips to be taken…  and the world is such a big, big place.  I’m sure there are even some cool things in my own town that I haven’t discovered yet.

I resolve to not be bored anymore.  Life is too full of wonders and interesting things to be bored.  Next time I find myself feeling bored, I think I’ll try to finish one of those hobbies I started.  Now where did I put those nunchakus?

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You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jaemsmail@yahoo.com

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-New Issue Every Monday-

The Different Things to Me Issue

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In This Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Elephants Aren’t Players… They Just Crush A Lot

-3-          Jump For Your Love

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-1-

What up, elves and ogres?  *Grunt*  Sorry, had a conversation about Lord of the Rings earlier today and we compared some of our friends to the characters in the movie.  Try doing it with your friends, it can be pretty funny.  Just don’t tell your girlfriend she’s Smeagol.

Ahhh, girls.  A coworker today asked me what I would write about if I didn’t have these relationship (or lack thereof) issues.  It reminded me just how powerful love and love-type stuff can be.  To be honest, I think that’s what pulled me from my posting lull.  Love and attraction just stir up so many emotions, that you almost don’t know what to do with yourself half the time.  Love can move your pen to write volumes.  It sucks.

With so many unfamiliar occurrences in my life at the moment, it’s been difficult trying to get my bearings.  I think it’s time for a laugh.  I’d like to laugh, how about you?  Well, go on now.  Say something funny.  Go on…  I have to say, I sometimes feel like a little monkey.  That sounds weird, but I don’t know how else to describe it.  I feel like a little monkey with red overall shorts and those little hats, with a weird little monkey smile with big ol’ monkey teeth.  People will randomly ask me to say or do something funny and then I get all funky monkey.  Like, give me something to work with here.  Should I do a little jig?  Should I jump up on a table and start riverdancing?  Should I recite a Xanga post by heart?  Do I go into a stand-up routine?  Give a dog a bone, people.  I’m like that Pyro guy from the X-men movie/comic.  I need something to start off with, a little spark, then I’ll make fire.

My present spark?  Life in general is spark enough.  I think a poo story or Smurf story or a wacky animal story is in order. 

Be easy.

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Happy birthday to my sis!  Love ya lots!

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-2-

So apparently I’m not the only one trying to get in shape and lose (or redistribute) a few pounds.  A zoo in Alaska is building the very first elephant treadmill.  The zoo is having discussions with engineers and manufacturers regarding the design and construction of the thing.  Sounds like an expensive project.  I think I’ll submit a cost-effective proposal:

Ok, fine, let’s say they do build this treadmill.  Tell me how you’re going to convince the elephant to use it.  Put a girl elephant in a bikini in front of it?

Now, maybe things were different in my day, but weren’t elephants always big and fat?  Why are you gonna make him work out?  That’s like telling a porcupine to get some hair gel.  That’s like suggesting a kangaroo get one of those baby backpacks.  That’s like telling a turtle he should buy a trailer home.  That’s like telling a rhino he should get a nose job.  That’s like telling a bald eagle he should join Hair Club for Men.  That’s like telling a penguin he should put on some sweatpants and loosen his tie.  That’s like telling a bird he should take the bus wherever he’s going.  That’s like telling a racoon he should put cucumber slices on his eyes.  That’s like telling a giraffe that he should try wearing turtleneck sweaters.  That’s like telling a bat he should get Lasik surgery. 

Let him be.  He probably didn’t even think anything was wrong.  Let him be the way he was meant to be.  I’m sure he’s happier that way. 

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-3-

A buddy and I driving at night.  It’s quiet.

“…Girls… I hate girls, man.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Girls are my weakness.”

“They’re every man’s weakness.”

As much as girls can be the great motivator for men, they can just as easily be the downfall of a man.  When it comes to women, logic and reason cease to exist for both the guy and the girl.  A man will put everything on the line for a woman: family, wealth, health, job, freedom, friends, respect, the remote control…

A guy racked up a $24,000 credit card bill at a strip club in New York.  Try explaining that to your wife.  He’s suing the strip club.  I say he sue the organization known as Women.  I mean, come on, taking adavantage of a poor guy like that.  That’s like getting a woman drunk, taking her to a warehouse full of designer handbags, and then accepting her credit card.  You know it just ain’t right.

A man has got to be a man, people… except when a woman is involved.  Then a man will be whatever the woman wants him to be.  Men will do all sorts of ridiculous acts when a woman is involved.  Women should open up a circus and just have a bunch of men performing stupid man tricks: putting down the toilet seat, using coasters, arranging throw pillows, telling the boys poker night is over early because the missus wants him to mow the lawn in the morning, reciting multiple names for the same color, thinking of alternative ways of describing how they did nothing today (making stuff up), writing poetry for special occassions, smiling awkwardly when that special chick catches his eyes, attempting humiliating, destined-to-fail pick-up lines…

Ladies, all I’m saying is you have great power.  Probably more power than you ever imagined.  Use it wisely.  For with great power, comes great responsibility.  You claim that men run the world.  Truth be told, the only reason men seek power is to impress women.  Even the most powerful men go home to their wives and say, “Yes, dear” when it’s time to wash the dishes or take out the garbage.

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You can send your “Ask Jaems” questions to jaemsmail@yahoo.com

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-New Issue Every Monday-