The Cheapie Issue

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In This Issue

 

-1-           Editorial

-2-          Do Sweat It

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-1-

What up, rockers and rockettes?  Welps, here I am once again in desperation.  I’m looking for 2 people who are into Coldplay and are available for:

Tuesday, 9/6/05 8 p.m. Madison Square Garden Section: 224 $70.50 ea

Need to know latest by tomorrow morning.  So what do you say, folks?

By the by, I intended to post more than just a lame invite.  It’s below, but I suppose it isn’t really standard posting material either.  In fact, it’s an e-mail I sent to a friend this morning.  At any rate, it’s an opportunity for you to see that even outside of the Xanga world, I’m still weird.  I promise to try harder to unweird myself.  I admit that as of late, I’ve had no choice but to be Mr. Seriouso and no sir, I don’t like it.  But there is a time and a place for everything, and at this particular time and in this particular place/space, it is my obligation to keep my tie a little tight and my chair in upright position. 

Hope you all are staying upright and not uptight.

Be easy.

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-2-

From: jaems <jaemsmail@gmail.com>

Reply-To: jaems <jaemsmail@gmail.com>

To: *The Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Innocent*

Date: Jun 29, 2005 11:23 AM

Subject: Re: Please leave a message at the beep

Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Trash this message | Show original

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Good day, Sir:

rn

 

rn

Please accept our deepest sympathies for you in your time of woe.

rn

 

rn

What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?  I wonder why I can’t just write a normal e-mail.  I suppose being weird is much for fun and entertaining.  Maybe this e-mail will be a combination of both.  Let’s give it a try.rn

rn

 

rn

Sorry to hear things haven’t been so good lately.  I hope I’m not making it any worse by saying this – as long as I’ve reknown you (last Aug/Sep), it’s seemed that you haven’t been very happy in general.  I know you always have trouble sleeping, unless I’m telling you a story or talking to you and then you go to sleep right away and I’m left as I most often am – alone with my problems.  Sike!rn

rn

 

rn

Sike is a great word I think.  It’s like, "Ha!  Got you!  Sucka!  I’m gonna git you, sucka!  Now, go on.  Git!"  I don’t like "Psych!"  That spelling is pretty gay.

rn

 

rn

Now, speaking of Psych, I think we should address your problems.  Now, just bear with me as I’m not yet fully certified and licensed to practice, but one more online course with the University of Tanzania and I’ll be able to prescribe over-the-counter medications.  So let first lay some groundwork for the sake of this discussion.  For this exercise we will assume that you have a number of problems of varying degrees, with 1 or 2 major, reoccurring, interrelated problems.  Let us draw our attention to problem #1.  We shall term problem #1, "The Pee-Pee Problem".  Why don’t we act out a little scenario:rn

rn

 

rn

"Oh lawd!  I done peed my pants!  Oh the pee-pee, oh the pee-pee!  It flows.  Mah legs is all wet, my pants is all wet, and my carpet done got peed on.  Ugh… na na na na!"

rn

 

rn

"There… I’ve cleaned up the rug and dried my legs.  I’ve put on a fresh pair of panties and parachute pants.  Everything is all better now!"

rn

 

rn”,1]
);

//–>

Please accept our deepest sympathies for you in your time of woe.

 

What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?  I wonder why I can’t just write a normal e-mail.  I suppose being weird is much more fun and entertaining.  Maybe this e-mail will be a combination of both.  Let’s give it a try.

 

Sorry to hear things haven’t been so good lately.  I hope I’m not making it any worse by saying this – as long as I’ve known you, it’s seemed that you haven’t been very happy in general.  I know you always have trouble sleeping, unless I’m telling you a story or talking to you and then you go to sleep right away and I’m left as I most often am – alone with my problems.  Sike!

 

Sike is a great word I think.  It’s like, “Ha!  Got you!  Sucka!  I’m gonna git you, sucka!  Now, go on.  Git!”  I don’t like “Psych!”  That spelling is pretty wack.

 

Now, speaking of Psych, I think we should address your problems.  Now, just bear with me as I’m not yet fully certified and licensed to practice, but one more online course with the University of Tanzania and I’ll be able to prescribe over-the-counter medications.  So let’s first lay some groundwork for the sake of this discussion.  For this exercise we will assume that you have a number of problems of varying degrees, with 1 or 2 major, reoccurring, interrelated problems.  Let us draw our attention to problem #1.  We shall term problem #1, “The Pee-Pee Problem”.  Why don’t we act out a little scenario:

 

“Oh lawd!  I done peed my pants!  Oh the pee-pee, oh the pee-pee!  It flows.  Mah legs is all wet, my pants is all wet, and my carpet done got peed on.  Ugh… na na na na!”

 

“There… I’ve cleaned up the rug and dried my legs.  I’ve put on a fresh pair of panties and parachute pants.  Everything is all better now!”

 

<!–
D(["mb","

***Bzzzztttttt***

rn

 

rn

Wrong answer!  Everything is not all better now.  The problem isn’t solved!  It hasn’t even been addressed!  It’s not a matter of what do I do with all this pee-pee everywhere, it’s why is there pee-pee everywhere.  It’s not how can I deal with all this pee-pee, it’s how can I prevent pee-pee from happening. rn

rn

 

rn

And therein lies the answer to all your problems – dehydration.  The only way to avoid embarrassing pee-pee moments is to completely dehydrate yourself.  And that means running everywhere, even when it isn’t necessary.  And always wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt under your normal clothing.  Even if it’s summer and your at the beach in a bikini, make sure you have sweatpants and a sweatshirt under that bikini.  And stay nice and sweaty.  Even if it’s from the toilet to the sink, be sure to run, and keep on jogging in place when your stationary.  Watching a movie?  Stand in the back and jog as you watch.  Standing in line at the bank?  Do some jumping jacks and stay motivated.  Repeat to yourself as you jump those jacks, "I don’t want to pee-pee my pants.  I won’t pee-pee my pants.  I control the pee-pee, it doesn’t control me.  Pee-pee won’t beat me."rn

rn

 

rn

Well, there you have it.  And I am so pleased with this e-mail, that I am going to post it on my website.

rn

 

rn

May your days be pee-free.

rn

 

rn

The king inside of me,

rn

James

 

“,1]
);

//–>

***Bzzzztttttt***

 

Wrong answer!  Everything is not all better now.  The problem isn’t solved!  It hasn’t even been addressed!  It’s not a matter of what do I do with all this pee-pee everywhere, it’s why is there pee-pee everywhere.  It’s not how can I deal with all this pee-pee, it’s how can I prevent pee-pee from happening. 

 

And therein lies the answer to all your problems – dehydration.  The only way to avoid embarrassing pee-pee moments is to completely dehydrate yourself.  And that means running everywhere, even when it isn’t necessary.  And always wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt under your normal clothing.  Even if it’s summer and you’re at the beach in a bikini, make sure you have sweatpants and a sweatshirt under that bikini.  And stay nice and sweaty.  Even if it’s from the toilet to the sink, be sure to run, and keep on jogging in place when you’re stationary.  Watching a movie?  Stand in the back and jog as you watch.  Standing in line at the bank?  Do some jumping jacks and stay motivated.  Repeat to yourself as you jump those jacks, “I don’t want to pee-pee my pants.  I won’t pee-pee my pants.  I control the pee-pee, it doesn’t control me.  Pee-pee won’t beat me.”

 

Well, there you have it.  And I am so pleased with this e-mail, that I am going to post it on my website.

 

May your days be pee-free.

 

The king inside of me,

James